"Codependency" is used to describe the condition where a person becomes the "caretaker" of an addicted or troubled individual. The individual can be addicted to alcohol, drugs, or gambling. Or, he or she can be troubled by a physical or emotional illness. Codependents can be this individual's spouse, lover, child, parent, sibling, coworker, or friend.
Below are typical roles that codependents play:
Enabler - allows
the person to continue his or her self-destructive or troubled behavior, or denies that
the person has a problem
Rescuer - makes excuses
for the person's behavior, or saves the person from unpleasant situations, i.e. putting an
alcoholic to bed after he/she passes out
Caretaker - takes care of
all household and financial chores which hold the family together
Joiner - rationalizes that
the person's behavior is normal by simply allowing it to take place or by taking part in
the same behavior as the addicted or troubled individual
Hero - becomes the
"super person" to preserve the family image
Complainer - blames the
person and makes him or her the scapegoat for all problems
Adjuster - withdraws from
the family and acts like he/she doesn't care
Most codependents do not realize they have a codependency problem. They focus more energy on another's actions and needs than on their own. They think they are actually helping the troubled person, but they are not.
Do you do 3 or more of the following?  Think more about another person's
behavior and problems than about your own life Feel anxious about the addicted or troubled
persons behavior and constantly check on them to try to catch them in their bad behavior Worry that if you stop trying to control the
other person, that he or she will fall apart Blame yourself for this person's problems Cover up or "rescue" this person
when they are caught in a lie or other embarrassing situation related to their addiction
or other problem Deny that this person has a "real"
problem with drugs, alcohol, etc., and become angry and/or defensive when others suggest
there is an addiction or other substance abuse problem |
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{Note: You may not be truly codependent, but you should become aware of how your behavior may be enabling an addicted or troubled individual.}
Most codependents are not in touch with their codependency and may need help to see it.
The following self-help tips are general suggestions. For many people, these are not easy
to do without the help of a counselor.
Read books on codependency. You can find
these in the library and bookstores. You may find you identify with what you read and gain
understanding.
Focus on these three C's:
You did not cause the other person's problem.
You can't control the other person.
You can't cure the problem.
Don't lie, make excuses, or cover up for
the abuser's drinking, drug, or other problem. Admit to yourself that this way of living
is not normal and that the abuser or troubled person has a real problem and needs
professional help.
Refuse to come to the person's aid. Every
time you bail the abuser out of trouble, you reinforce their helplessness and your
hopelessness.
If you or your children are being
physically, verbally, or sexually abused, do not allow it to continue. There are shelters
for victims of domestic violence. (See "Places to Get Information & Help"
under Domestic Violence.)
Know that there are many support groups
which help codependents. Examples are self-help groups for family and friends of substance
abusers such as Al-Anon, Alateen, and Children of Alcoholics Foundation (COAF). (See
"Places to Get Information & Help" under Alcohol/Drug Abuse.) Other self-help and
support groups are offered through community health education programs.
Continue with your normal family routines.
For example, include the drinker when he/she is sober.
Focus on your own feelings, desires, and
needs. Negative thoughts may be brewing just below the surface. It's important to vent
them in healthy ways. Begin to do what is good for your own well-being.
Allow children to express their feelings
openly. Show them how by expressing your own feelings.
Set limits on what you will and won't do.
Be firm and stick to these limits. It's natural to want to take care of those you love,
but in this case, it doesn't help.
Engage in new experiences and interests.
Find diversion from your loved one's problem.
Take responsibility for yourself and others
in the family to live a better life whether your loved one recovers or not.
HEALTH AT HOME - Your Complete Guide to Symptoms, Solutions, and Self-Care © 1999 by Don R. Powell. American Institute for Preventive Medicine.
Date updated 02/01/99